Joel

Hey everybody, and Welcome to the Senior Reset podcast. We are talking resources, education solutions, entertainment, and training for the senior community and their families. 

We’re going to have an amazing show for you today. We have Richard Kaufman, the comeback coach himself. He’s an Amazon best-selling author who aims to help people build resilience and life. He is an authority when it comes to dealing with mental health issues, especially in the realm of suicide, and we’re going to be talking a little about the mental health issues facing our seniors and veterans today. Richard and I are Veterans and will discuss how to see those struggles. And how can we help someone who may be struggling? 

So, I want to start. Richard, why don’t you decide to introduce yourself and give a little bit of your background and what kind of brought you to have this conversation with us today?

Richard

Hey guys. My name is Richard Kauffman, also known as the comeback coach. Guys, thank you so much for showing up today. Today is your day. We will be here honoring you and trying to help you get out of your way so you can start enjoying life again. I’ll give you a quick down and dirty. Joel… He’s been on my podcast and one of my top three all-time downloaded shows, so I want to thank you.

Joel

I didn’t know that.

Richard

Yes, you are me—my story. I don’t think my story is special. Some people do. My wife just says it’s me. I am a suicide survivor. It’s like something we discussed earlier—23 years in the military. I came from a broken home. —a father left at three months old. I had my first drink at 11 and was a full-blown alcoholic by age 13. I was thrown out of high school for hitting my teacher in the head with a desk. 

So don’t ever do that, guys. That’s frowned upon, and this is established. I had a chance to join the military or go to jail, and I did both while in the military. I joined at 17 and became not only a drug addict but an alcoholic. While in the military, I stayed for two years, and they threw me out for being a drug addict and alcoholic. I’m probably the only guy you’ll ever meet who got back in the military after being thrown out for being a drug addict and alcoholic. I got back in and almost got thrown out for a second time. And we can talk about that later if you want. 

911 changed my life and trajectory, and I decided on the morning of 9:12. That morning, I wanted to give my life to helping others who couldn’t help themselves. 

And I changed my world around. I became a soldier of the year within three years, became a non-commissioned officer within three years, and spent 23 years in the military until a training accident. I got run over by a Humvee, and it ran over my head. And the whole right side of my body. And I lost vision in my eyes because I had a stroke. 

And, of course, if you’re in the military, you can’t see and shoot. We don’t need you, and after 23 years, they said your service is no longer needed. You’re no longer Sergeant Kaufman. And that was Memorial Day 2012. 

And that time was when I went out to my truck and attempted suicide. But my six-month-old daughter saved my life; we could discuss that later. But at that moment, I decided to wait a minute. I can’t be the only one if I’m struggling with this. 

And that’s that the next day, or Monday of Labor Day, whatever that was, is the first day seeing my therapist and the same therapist now. It’s been 11/12 years. And that’s when I decided, you know, after a meeting with a guy named Mr. Gary Vaynerchuk, I decided to write a book and start a podcast about mental health issues. 

And that’s what I do now. I talked to people about it every day before we had it on. I got what we came on. I was on the phone with a guy struggling with mental health issues. Because I realize that we’re all struggling with the same stuff, whether you’re 20 years old or my mom, 78, and she’s struggling with mental health issues. 

So, we’re all struggling. It’s just that there’s such a stigma around mental health. And for me, I’m just saying, you know, all right, let’s talk. So now that’s what I do for a living and every day. So, thank you, guys, for coming on. I think we’ll hopefully be able to help. I don’t have a whole lot of answers. I’m only a 9th-grade dropout, so I don’t have a lot of answers, but I have read over 6,000 books and, you know, 1,200 interviews with people from professionals, psychologists, and therapists. 

So, if I can help with anything, you’ll get my knowledge. And, of course, with me, it’s always free. Never charge anybody for anything.

Joel

Yeah, and just so people know where to get more information. So, for your podcast, can you just tell us the name and where they can find it so they can find your third-highest-download episode? Your interview with me

Richard

Yeah. Yep. It’s called the Vertical Momentum Podcast or the Vertical Momentum Resiliency Podcast. It’s everywhere. We’re on every channel we’ve had over, with, I think, 3 million impressions and over 800,000 downloads. So, we’re everywhere. And, of course, it’s always Free. So, if you guys have a smartphone, you could just download it and get information.

Joel

So, I wanted to go from there and talk about the current issues facing our country and, honestly, around the world regarding mental health. I mean, I’d like to talk a little bit about what’s facing our veterans because that’s very close to us, and there’s a lot of veterans. We are dealing with a lot of stuff, as we discussed before. 

So, when you threw some statistics at me, that kind of blew my mind, and I just want to share those quickly. One is that. It’s one in 114 military, active duty. You were saying you have Attempted suicide. That’s just under 1%; that’s enormous when you think a million people are in our military. Roughly, that’s just under 10,000 people, not including the veterans, which is crazy. But then, one in seven Veterans is dealing with cancer right now. All the stuff that They had to go through in their military. So that is one side of it. 

And we also have a side where many of our military members from some of our big standups during the Cold War are hitting their senior years. There’s kind of this confluence of dealing with, you know, the struggles of being a senior and getting older and all of that and merging with their struggles as a veteran. And kind of the fallout from their PTSD and their physical issues. 

So could you just talk a little bit about, from your perspective, the struggles with mental health and suicide right now, and, like, kind of the senior and veteran communities? And from your perspective

Richard

Well, the biggest thing killing veterans right now is that “hey, bro. Suck it up, bro. Carry on, bro. Hey, bro” is killing millions of people because we’re not talking about what we need to be talking about, you know because we’re talking to the military? Suck it up and drive on. But when you’re out, the hey bro thing is killing people because we’re not talking about things that need to be talked about, and some of it might be just me and Joel going out for lunch somewhere, going to a diner, and him saying, Hey, rich, you know how you are doing. And then, when I give him the regular answer, I’m doing well. And then he says, Well, how are you? That’s when the conversations can start. And I think if we could just do that, we’d save more veterans’ lives by just saying, How are you doing? Let’s go chat. 

We don’t need interventions. We don’t need any of that. How about me and you grab a hamburger somewhere that would save more lives than that? And I think the whole VA.

Joel

Yeah, it’s. But we don’t need to get into the VA much.

Nicole

That could be a whole separate show, I believe.

Joel

When we’re talking about this, there was, you know, a question that you raised, that I’ve raised, and that many people dealing with suicidal ideations raised, and that’s the question of who am I? What are they like? What are your thoughts on that, that internal question, and the kind of things that the life trigger points to that cause somebody to ask that? Because I think that’s what happens with most people facing suicide. Again, I’ve got a scope that’s not nearly the same as yours with this topic, but that seems like the fundamentals.  The first question that starts leading down that road.

Richard

Well, you know, because, like I said, I’ve had athletes, first responders, and airline pilots. I’ve had anybody who’s worn a uniform. 99% of them never thought I had a shelf life. And once that shelf life comes to an end, you know, if you’re a football player and you’re always number 88, you know, you get so used to that being who you are and, in your position, not being, you know, Richard Kaufman, you know. 

So, for me, a lot of people struggle with it. Alright, well, I used to be, or I did well instead of being. Well, who are you now? And many people struggle with that because there’s still Stuck in the past. Like many people asked me, somebody just asked me the other day. Well, what do you do? And I used to say, well, I’m a retired disabled veteran, and I just came out and said, I’m an author, a speaker, and a podcast host. 

So, I had to change my identity. And sometimes, you’ll still see that guy in Vietnam walking around wearing a marine jacket. Because he never changed his identity, he never evolved. And I think many of us struggle with that because, like you said, you know, well. Now what? Who am I? What? What am I all about? And it takes hard questions to sit down with a pen and paper and say them. Who am I? What do I like? 

My wife likes to go to Atlantic City, and she likes to gamble. That’s her thing. That’s not my thing. I’ll go hang out. But for me, I like podcasting. I like learning about business. I like talking to people, so I had to figure out who I was. And because you know in the end. When we all die, you know we’re going alone. So, you must figure out who you are in your present circumstances—not who you were, but who you want to be.

Joel

You find that that makes a big difference in your mental state. So, like just applying this to tell somebody who is retired, you know, you ask them, So who are you, and you say, Oh, well, I’m retired this, or I used to do that, and instead say, Well, you know, I am. You know, put out something that you are actively doing. You are, you know, looking to the future, not necessarily to the past.

Richard

Like me and my wife, we went to see a Broadway show. I wish I could remember the guy’s name off the Top of my head, but he has a song called I AM.… I said. 

And whatever you say to yourself, that’s what. You are. So, if I have five words, I say to myself every day, you know I’m healthy. I’m happy, and I’m wealthy. I’m influencing millions of people. So, whatever you say to yourself, that’s what you eventually become. 

So, if you’re only talking about the past, then you’ll never go on and move. Further, you can’t have both feet because you’re stuck in the past. You can’t have one foot in the future, one in one. In the past. You know what I’m saying? If somebody wants to tell me that the past doesn’t exist, you cannot touch it. The president doesn’t exist. You cannot touch. The past and the future don’t exist because you cannot touch them. The only thing we can touch is the present. 

So, make your presence, you know, ensure you’re in the presence and not always talking about the past, and start building yourself in the future. Even if the average American male is 78 years old, I’m 55. I got 23 years of kicking *****, so I started thinking, Alright, what’s coming next? You know what I mean? And you figure by that time we’ll be living to 100. So, you’re only in the second half of your life. Whoever quits a football game in the first half?

Joel

Yeah, that’s that. A great way to look at it when you go that route, and honestly, I mean, who? He wants to be average anyway, so Somebody may be average, but you could always try to beat that. That could be a good goal. 

So, what kinds of things start to trigger suicidal ideations? I know that there’s… Because that’s usually where it starts, and like we talked about identity change, you know, asking about who I am. You know, for me, the trigger for that, and I’m not going to give all the spoilers; let them listen to my interview with you on the Vertical Momentum podcast. 

But for me, it was when I got sick and did all the things that I thought defined manhood and defined myself that I found that I couldn’t fulfill those roles anymore. And my question was, you know what? What good am I? 

When I got through that, it was saying, well, I may not be able to do XY and Z, but I can do this and this and this, and focusing on what I was capable of—that kind of got me out of it. It. But it’s My faith, which we also discussed on the podcast. But what kind of stuff? When you’re a senior or retiring, I haven’t hit that point yet, but I imagine it will. I haven’t had. Empty nest, either. My kids are 13, 7, and 11, but I like empty nests when they leave. When you finish your career, you hit these big milestones where things that used to define who you are change. What are your thoughts on some of those things that could be trigger points for people that maybe friends and family might want to look out for if they’re seeing people at these Points in time?

Richard

Well, for me. When I first got blinded, I couldn’t do anything, and I only had 20% vision, so I started my podcast. And I did it because I was the first guest I ever had. He had both arms, and both legs were blown off. He was in Afghanistan and skiing with his family in Aspen. 

And here I am, feeling sorry for myself. And that’s when I started interviewing people. I just interviewed a gentleman named Aaron Hale. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. He’s frigging amazing. He is blind. And deaf. And he just got running, got done running the bad water 135, an extreme race in the desert. That Navy seal has problems finishing, and he finished it being blind and deaf. 

So, for me, I can’t. When I’m feeling down, I’m like, Alright, I may be. I only have vision in one eye right now, but I can do much more. So, for me, I’m always finding people. That can say, OK, if he did. There’s no way that I can’t do it. 

So I think that might help somebody out there if you know if you do. Look, if you’re looking. And I always tell people, like, Listen, guys, you can change your life in 30 days, and people like us, I call them BS. I’m like, No, it’s it. Yes, you can. It’s called. I am changing the algorithm of your life. Especially social media; if you have Facebook, try for the next 30 days. Just taking everything, that’s good. And letting everything go—that isn’t good. Within 30 days, the whole algorithm Is going to be Change, and you’re just going to start seeing positivity.

So, if you’re sitting home depressed and watching Fox News and CNN, guess what? That’s a major part of why you’re depressed. Because if it bleeds, it leads, and that’s why people want it. That’s why they’re getting so much viewership because that’s where all the depression is. So that’s one thing I would look for people who are sitting home Reading the newspaper, I don’t even think people still do that anymore, or watching the news all the time, or, you know, going to all these different websites where it’s nothing but Trump this or Biden this, and they’re worried about everything else. 

So if you see somebody that’s Kind of, you know, aren’t there for themselves, they’re always cranky and mean. Yeah, because they’re watching, you know, Fox News for 18 hours a day. Of course, you’ll be mean and nasty because there’s no positiveness. 

So, I think that’s something that we could look for. I’ve noticed because I deal with kids that, you know, 5,000 children and adolescents attempt suicide every day in the United States. One of the things that parents should look for in an adult or a child is if your kid has been depressed or if you have a parent who has been depressed. And all of a sudden, they’re really happy. It would be best if you had it. To look into that. Because that’s a sign they’re about to give their stuff away, and they’re about to take their own lives. 

And you would never say, Wait a minute. Wait a minute, and if they’re happy, why? You know, why would I worry? It is because a lot of them, before they commit suicide, start looking better. They start doing their hair more because they know the end is coming and are happy about it. So that’s something that I would talk to. Look out for, and many people don’t even know about that.

Nicole

No, and that’s something that has trended a little more on social media, where you’ll see family members post pictures of loved ones who have committed suicide, and they were just out boating or at a family function or an amusement park. And they’re smiling, and they’re happy. And two days later, they’re gone.

Richard

Yeah, I mean, there are certain TikTok stars that I wish I could remember their name. He was dancing an hour before and then took his own life. So, you know, many people think that the person who’s depressed is the one who’s going to take their own life, but most of the time, it’s not.

Nicole

Yeah. And for me and my experience, if they start talking about suicide at a certain point, sometimes people think that’s an attention thing, or, you know, when they’ve been talking about it, and then they stop talking about it, that’s when it becomes more real, I believe.

Richard

Yeah, and. And a lot of them do, alright. You know, they pick a certain day. You know, like Robin Williams picked the day. He was going to take his own life. That’s why he was happy up until that moment. So even Chris Cornell and people like that, you know, planned it. And many people think Chris did a great show, and he was happy and everything during the show. Yeah. Because he knew that was it. 

So I just Something I would look out for, especially if you know if you’re a parent or if you’re. If you have parents who might be struggling with mental health issues,

Joel

Wow, Are there other kinds of warning signs people should look for? That might alert them that their family member or friend is struggling.

Richard

If people start to overeat, People start to undereat, if people start to, you know, talk about giving their stuff away. I’m sure you know, a lot of people would be like, you know, grandma saying, oh, maybe, you know, Joe, we should have the dishes, and everybody thinks that’s, you know, she’s just getting old and wants to give her stuff away. That might be a sign. Wait a minute. Something is going on, or? They just don’t care anymore. They’re just like whatever you want to argue with me, I’m done arguing. 

So if you have a parent who’s always arguing with you when you were growing up, like my mother, and suddenly, they stop arguing and become very complacent, I’d start to worry.

Nicole

Or if they overexpress feelings, I think my friend who took his life 5 minutes before he did it told me he loved me. I was perfect the way I was, never changed for anyone, and it didn’t seem dramatic at the time, but it was. It was not a way. He had never spoken to me before.

Richard

And also something else: do you know if somebody starts saying I had a visit from my grandmother or I had a visit from my mother? I’m starting to see things. I’m starting to feel people. If they start seeing stuff like that, you must start worrying because the time might be near.

Joel

Like they’re seeing visions of people who have passed on?

Richard

Or dream; a lot of them have dreams, though. My mother came to me in my dream; she said she couldn’t wait to see me, so stuff like that might, you know, start bringing a person they want to go home with, like my dad when he

Nicole

Or someone who’s, uh, yeah. Especially someone who’s feeling overwhelming grief or from a loss that way. Husband-and-wife type things. I mean, I’ve seen it in senior care. Husbands who have barely been able to go on or even talk about it when they’ve lost their wives or don’t know what to do. Some of them end up with caregivers. 

We have a veteran that we’ve had for years, and he’s come a long way, but we took him on shortly, about 11 months after his wife died. And he couldn’t even say her name. He didn’t need to have someone in there with him. He didn’t physically need our help so much. He just liked having someone in the house capable of a lot. Of things by himself.

Richard

Yeah. Or it could be the opposite, or my father passed. My mother doesn’t remember a whole lot of her marriage. And it was a 50-year marriage. So, a lot of times, they have that stuff. I forgot my childhood, from 1 to 13, and I can’t even get back into many of those memories. A lot of Seniors go through that if they Lose a loved one. They kind of categorize it and lock it in the back of their heads, and they can’t get to it. So when you ask, remember that’s fine with you and Dad. And like I don’t remember, I got nothing.

Joel

So, how do you approach somebody? So, you’re seeing some of these signs? You know, you mentioned earlier that one of the ways you can do it is to say, you know, let’s go catch up. And then when you get there, you say how you’re doing, and I’m doing fine. So how are you doing other than that? A deeper question is the way to go. Are there other ways to approach them? Or is that? It’s the best way to do it; I know some people have done interventions. I know some. People try different things. Can you just talk about different ways people can address this issue?

Richard

I mean, interventions work. I can work well, as I speak, in prisons and rehabs, and 90% of the people with interventions didn’t work. Because now you’re just going to get help because everybody wants you to get help. 

So, if you’re not ready to get help, it doesn’t matter how many people are coming in for intervention. But I think that, like you said, you know if somebody says something. You know, how are you doing? And because everybody’s going to come at that person a different way, and mostly if it’s a family member you’ve been used to, going at that person for the last, whatever years now, you have to change how you talk to that person. You know you can’t keep being the same way you used to be because they’re not the same person. You know, my mother’s struggling with stuff right now. She’s not the same person she was 25 years ago, so I can’t go to her and be her son for 50 years. Well, I have to approach her differently, and unfortunately, many people don’t realize that we can speak so many different love languages.

 So, I think you’d have to find a way to do that. How do we? Many people don’t realize we all came in on a steel gurney. We’re all going. It’s still hurting; many of us must become empathetic, and I’m a big empathy guy. That’s my gift. 

And sometimes I have to think, you know? How’s she feeling? How’s my mom feeling right now? How would I feel if I were left alone In a Nursing Home? I can’t get out. I don’t know any of these people. My favorite foods are not here. I’m not sleeping in my Bed. How would I feel? And then approach it from that perspective and say, Ma, I know you’re struggling. I know you’re hurting, but you’re not alone. We can do this together. So, I think if we approached many people with more empathy, we’d be able to reach many more people.

Nicole

Well, I was just thinking of the senior community specifically, especially from the podcast, where we have the cost. Brian’s loneliness is big, and we are all in our generation. You know, Joe, I know your mom takes care of your grandma, and you know my mom is always taking care of everyone, and they’re still at that age. You know where they can take care of themselves. They’re still really independent. They don’t need us that way. But they also don’t have kids in the house anymore. They go through a little bit of that. And I think we take it for granted. In our busy lives, and in seniors like your grandma’s age, where we don’t check on them enough, we don’t stop in like we make sure they Have their things like that. If you’re a good family member, a good son, or a good daughter, you make sure they have their basic needs met, and you check in on them, but we lose that sitting and visiting and making sure they get to see their grandkids and get to spend time with them. I think that’s important. 

That’s what one of the ladies here, you know, at one of the facilities I did, had that issue. They called it the bubble they get in when they’re seniors, where they’re in independent living out here. Senior living, and They take for granted that they’ve got other people around them. They still need their family. Don’t check on them enough. And the ones that Have no one.

Richard

And there’s a lot of them, especially many older veterans like many older people, because my mom is 78, and only she and her sister left. Everyone else is gone. So, you know, when you have somebody, they’re the last of their generation. Well, then, who do they turn to? But sometimes, that’s a lot. That’s a lot to deal with because, as they say, you go to more funerals than weddings when you get older. So, what happens when you’re there?

Nicole

One of our generation of parents, my mom, has talked about how she almost feels like an orphan before. When you lose both your parents, at this point, she’s lost both of her sisters, and it just starts to become a reality. You know, for me, I’m helping plan my aunt’s funeral, and I’m not supposed to be the generation doing that. Our parents shouldn’t be that old, but that’s a lot when they start—losing family members that way.

Richard

So, for me, you know, I’ll be a senior. Oh, my God. A cavalier to say, January 30th. I’ll be 55. So, I’m going to be a senior. But for me, I had to realize. And after I had my accident, I realized, you know, nobody’s here forever. Even Jim Morrison, the great poet, said Nobody gets out of here alive. So, I had to realize, OK, I have a lot of time on this earth. 

So, I want to enjoy every day, no matter the situation. So, as you know, many people in the system are living, enjoying life, doing stuff, going on cruises, etc.; they’re doing so many different things. So, it’s not a life sentence. It’s not a life sentence.

Nicole

Well, you get to look forward. To all those senior citizen discounts, Richard, you only have until January before you get 10% off at Golden Corral and other places.

Richard

Exactly, and I’ll get My military discount, too, at the same time. So, I’ll be back.

Nicole

Even better, even better.

Richard

I’ll be double-dipping.

Joel

No, I think an interesting thing worth going back to is what you mentioned when discussing how to approach people you think might be struggling. Taking a purposeful approach to reaching out to them in their love language is something that I’ve done some research into. 

I think that understanding the love language is pivotal to, you know, a marriage to how you interact with people for whom you care. Because, as you know, it’s hard to say that it’s science per se, but I find that, in reality, love languages make a lot of sense in practice. Would you mind talking about them, or, you know, we can kind of flush that out together?

Richard

No, I think it’s because my wife and I’ve been together for over 40 years. She knows I have certain love languages. I like to bring her flowers at least once a week. Just because it’s a Tuesday, I’ll bring her flowers. I’ll get her car washed. I’ll let you know I’ll do all this stuff, but I break **** in my house. I don’t fix it. So that’s not my language, and I’m OK with that. 

When my dad came off the boat from Italy, he wasn’t the most romantic guy, but he would care for my mother every day. He’d make her coffee. He would, you know, go grocery shopping. That was his language. And I think everybody has a different language. 

For me, I’m always studying my wife. I’m trying to teach my wife, even after 40 years. Every day, I’m trying to find out how to make her happy and her love language. And I think if we just pay attention, you’ll learn. You’ll pick up on the other person’s love languages, which are different. You know, not everybody. The love language is the same.

Joel

I think the book I read is called The Five Love Languages, and it talks about its gifts and words of affirmation. Acts of service or the other two. Yeah, yeah. Affection and quality time

Nicole

Isn’t it physical touch?

Joel

And so it’s you gotta once. Once you narrow people down to those general categories, you can purposefully do things you know will make them feel loved. It looks like this.

Richard

Like if you if. Your mom, like my mother, loves nature. So, if I picked her up from their home and we went out to a park and had lunch, I could talk to her about what’s going on because I’d be putting her in a space where she feels comfortable and her guards are down. But if I took her to a shopping mall, which she hates, Dropping, her guards would be open. There’s no way I’m going to be able to reach her.

Nicole

Yeah. If you meet someone where they are and, in their element, if their thing is bingo, If their thing is a car, if their thing is crocheting, if their thing is taking a walk, if you can meet someone where they are, they’re a lot more comfortable opening up and being vulnerable in their own space.

Richard

Yeah. And that’s why I think one-on-one talk, you know, going out to lunch with somebody or just having a quiet lunch instead of having all six family members come up and say, Do you go For help? I don’t. Just that one conversation will be worth more than six people just saying. When you go for help, I mean.

Joel

Yeah, I agree with that.

Nicole

Yeah. And if you can, just encourage them. Sometimes, we talked about encouraging them to be active, get out, and do more. It may not take us sitting down to intervene if you can just spend a little more time with them.

Speaker

I’m sorry.

Richard

and something else. I believe that you have to be real. People who know me and people who follow me know that I struggle with PTSD; I have a borderline personality disorder, and I know that. Hey, he struggles too. 

So, people are more likely to. Open up to me because I have no judgment because I was the biggest screw-up. Ever. But if I’m willing to talk to you and you’re like, wait a minute, he’s willing to say he’s having a bad day, too. 

So, I think people will be more willing to open up to you if you’re just being open and honest and, you know, letting people know that. Hey, I struggle with this. 

Joel

There’s something that I probably have to bring up because if I don’t, I think everybody who knows me would be shocked that I didn’t, and that is that the only way that anyone could ever bring themselves to commit suicide is because they have no hope. 

And I think much of what we talked about beat around the bush. We talked about having a future, looking at the future and what you can do, or looking at the present and saying I can affect the present. I can’t change the past; it can’t change the future. All those things boil down to this: depending on your perspective on how you’re looking at stuff. Whether or not you have hope that your current situation will change or that you’re going to be able to overcome the pain, things will get better. 

And so I think that one of the things that we also have to look at is: does the person seem hopeless? You know what it is. What do they have in their lives that gives them hope for the future?

Richard

Let’s talk about that a bit because somebody asked me to write one line about what you do. And I said I went from dope dealer to hope dealer. So, I’m a big hope guy, but If a person struggles with their past, future, or present, I always bring them back to a time when they succeeded in some. So even, you know, even if you’re a veteran, you graduated basic training, you got promoted, and you kicked *** many times. You’re a warrior. I’ll bring that back up and say, “Listen. You have the tools that you need. You were already there—the best of the best. Now, we just need to return to being the best of the best, and I think so. I think a lot of people lose hope. They stopped looking, you know, to where they’re. They were looking at their losses. They’re not looking at their wins.

I Think about when. You want to start looking for hope for the future. Sometimes we have to go back. Say, where did I win? How did I win, and why did I win? Well, maybe I need to start developing that warrior mentality. Not physically. You might not be able to, but you could still have that warrior mentality and start getting back into the game because, as you said, if you don’t have hope, you don’t have any. 

So, what I do is, if I start worrying about, well, you know what about me? Yeah, I’m 55 years old. Do I just give it up and eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts all day? Or am I looking at people like, you know, Gary Vaynerchuk? Or am I looking like people like Ed MI, let alone all these great people? That I aspire to be. That’s where my hope is because other people are doing it. It’s not like somebody else—not like nobody else did. 

So, you just have to figure out where you want to go and then start mapping it out. Because if you’ve been in the military for 10 minutes, we all know how to write up a plan and follow a map, so we can all do that for success in the future. We just have to figure out where we want to go and start mapping that out.

Nicole

Yeah, I had. I had someone explain. Sorry, Joe. I had someone explain suicide to me once as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We don’t always feel that at the time, and it’s not to diminish what anyone’s going through because sometimes our problems feel earth-shattering and life-crushing. And yet, you’re making a permanent decision that cannot be reversed. In a situation that will probably change at some point,

Richard

But unfortunately, we’re just transferring our pain to ours.

Nicole

Yes, it is a pain that never goes away. Ever.

Richard

Yeah. So, a lot of people don’t think about that. Many people say, well, you know it, it is what it is. If you start thinking that way, many people just say I love my daughter, my love, and my boys. I would never want to put that on them. A lot of times, kids, wives, and husbands think. What could I have done? What did I miss like I was? I’m a big football guy. I love sports, and I watched a documentary with Junior saying that when he took his life, he shot himself in the chest, and they asked his daughter. You know, how are you feeling? She said If I would have only known. He was struggling. So now she Has to live with that for the rest of their lives. 

So guys, you know, think about that. And that was something I had to think about on that day in 2012: do I want to pass my pain on to my wife and my kids?

Joel

Yeah, it’s a lot of that. It’s just such a self-fulfilling prophecy where you put your mind at, you know if your mind is always on all the things you can’t do anymore or on all the ways you failed. All the way that there is no hope, you won’t have any hope. And if you decide to think about the things you can do, the things you are capable of, the things the opportunities in front of you, and the hope you have, your mind will get filled with that. And a lot of it is just where your focus is. And what are you stuck in? Like mentally? And you can break out of it, as many people do. You can get help. There are a lot of resources out there for suicide prevention and counseling. 

So, you know, you’re not alone in any of this. You know, you know. What I’d like, Richard, is for you. Could you just give us your message to anybody listening to this who is currently struggling with suicidal ideations?

Richard

So far in your life, you’ve made it 100% of the time. So, it’s going to be OK no matter what you’re going through; it’s going to be OK. The sun is going to rise tomorrow. So it’s your choice. 

And like I, and I say it because I’m a big Joel Osteen guy, and his favorite quote, there’s one of his quotes that I love. We have the choice to be the victor. Or the victim. And for me, my mental health sum is called today. I decide because today is the day I decide. These are the three most important words in the English language. 

Today, you can decide whether you have a great or bad life. It’s all about your decisions, and the best thing is anything. Any great things that ever happened in your life? Started with a decision. You asked that young lady out. Did you say yes when that young man asked you out? Now you’re, you know, now you’re a wife and a grandmother, all because of one decision you made. So you’ve made it 100% of the time. So you can quit any day. Just not today.

Joel

Awesome. Do you? Is there anything else you want to discuss while we have you here on any topics we’ve covered?

Richard

Well, you know my mother had to go into a nursing facility, and something like your cohost talked about how many of them struggled. They’re not around; they’re not in their own home. They’re not with their friends. They’re not. They don’t have the food that they like. They don’t have a TV. They can’t watch Golden Girls for 18 hours daily on TV, or they will get beaten up.

A lot of We don’t think about that. But you know, as I told my mom, she’s just finished her month. I think Monday I moved her in or Friday somewhere around there. But I told her, you know, there’s so many opportunities. Now that you know all these people who can become your friends, you can start doing other things. 

So even though you may not be able to do what you used to do now, there are so many more things that you can do that you might not even think about until you start getting involved in the community. Life won’t get any better if you’re just watching TV in your room. You know what I mean? 

So I think that’s something that people do, especially if they’re in a facility. Maybe that’s something they need; maybe they need to start. Maybe go to the movies when they want; when they ask you to go, you know, to the mall. When they ask you to go, start getting involved, go on trips, go on cruises, and do things you would have never done before because you know it’s different. 

And I told my mom that you’re just at a different time in your life. Even in the Bible, it’s, you know, it even talks about, you know, there’s certain points in your life. This is just another part of your journey. And I think once we tell that to our parents or even, you know, husbands and wives, you know, this is a different part of your journey. So enjoy it, and enjoy it to the max. You know what, I

Nicole

And they’re going not. Be taking away your golden girls. That’s serious. I mean, 18 hours might. Be a little, but don’t be taking. Away, the Golden Girls. You don’t mess with that. Or being here with these facilities, Richard.

Richard

Yeah. Or” everybody loves Raymond.”

Nicole

Yeah, going into Facilities is very difficult. My grandma ended up being in one, too, and especially during COVID, it was really hard on her, but she did appreciate it. I mean, my grandpa had passed. She lived at home in a big house by herself. The family stopped in. But it was nice, and she likes the craft days and a lot of these facilities that they go into, so you have really good coordinators and really good events and things they can do, and I do think it would be encouraging for them to join those groups and do those. Things if we get them. Out of their rooms. Some of them don’t want to be like today. Around here in this facility, we will deal with that after the show. But sometimes, they just want to stay in their apartment.

Richard

Sometimes I want to stay in my house again.

Nicole

But I bring them cookies.

Richard

Oh, that’s a different story.

Nicole

Right.

Richard

And you know, no matter. Like I said earlier, no matter if you’re 18 years old or 98 years old, we’re all struggling with the same things. We just have to be open to discussing and putting it on the table. And with no judgment, you know, because everybody struggles with the same thing. Who’s in the jug?

Nicole

Right.

Joel

All right. Well, thank you for coming out. I hope anybody listening to this wants more words of wisdom from Richard Kauffman or to hear some of those interviews he referenced. You can check out his podcast, the Vertical Momentum Resiliency podcast. And I appreciate having you on.

Richard

Thank you, guys, so much. And Joel, thank you for your friendship all these years. I’m truly humbled and grateful for you. I wouldn’t be able to do without what I do, especially since I was in a franchise once, and because of you, I got it all straightened out. So, I couldn’t do exactly what I’m doing now without you. 

So, I just want to say thank you and also thank you for being a brother in Christ.

Joel

Appreciate you.

Nicole

Thank you. Richard, have a good day.